Use these top toxic tips to tackle any situation at home or school and come out on top, time after time!
FANCY DRESS
Aaargh! It’s world book day, or any other charity dress-up where your useless parents couldn’t be bothered to stay up all night sewing a costume for you. Don’t be the sorry sap who stands about in their school uniform. Use these horrible hints instead.
1. Painful Pirate
You will need:
Access to woodwork room or school kitchen
High pain threshold
Obtain saw or large, tooth-edged kitchen knife. Saw leg off just below knee. When bandages are offered to you by shocked guests, tie one round head as bandana. Bellow with pain – real pirate sounds!
2. Mysterious Mummy
You will need:
Access to bathroom
Second pair of hands (tip: these work better if attached to friend’s body)
Head for nearest toilet and grab all available bog roll. Check to make sure it’s unused. Wrap around body. Ask friend to guide you about as you will be unable to see.
Disadvantages: Be prepared to be chased and unravelled as people become desperate for toilet paper. On no account return to toilet, unless you want to be a brown mummy.
3. Random Ransacker
You will need:
Tracking skills
Low morals
Follow someone whose costume you admire. When unobserved, pull to ground and pinch their clothes. If feeling kind, leave your own in return. Your victim will appreciate gesture, especially if teacher.
DON’T FORGET to change back into your own clothes before going home. When your parent realises they forgot it was fancy dress, they will owe you big style. Put the money towards a new leg.
SCHOOL BULLIES
Every school has a bully. In fact, they’re actually part of the National Curriculum, placed in schools by the government to help us learn to deal with people who make our lives a misery. So why not put your school bully to good use with these horrible hints.
1. Bully Poll
You will need:
Clipboard and pen
Friend for backup
Approach bully in dark corner of playground. Announce you are conducting official questionnaire for all School Bullies in county, sponsored by National Association of School Bullies. Read questions. For example: How would you describe yourself? A – Neanderthal B – Pre-Neanderthal C – Pondlife D – All of the above. Tip: do not hang clipboard round neck or Bully will swing you round by it.
2. Bully Gets Busy
You will need:
Pen
Variety of disguises
Simply ensure Bully is volunteered for as many school activities and tasks as possible. If Teacher asks for help, shout out Bully’s name. If list on school noticeboard for pantomime auditions, make sure Bully’s name appears. Once he is signed up for every after school sport and club and understudying Tinkerbell, he will be way too busy and exhausted to bother you. Use disguises. A lot. You may need to stay in disguise for at least a year.
3. Bully’s Best Friend
You will need:
There is no equipment needed for this horrible hint, just a lot of bravado, as Bully is going to be your new best friend.
In school corridor, greet Bully enthusiastically by name and high five him. When asked to chose partner in class or PE, always choose Bully. At end of lesson, tell him how brilliant it was to work with him. At home time, give Bully a matey hug. Bullies love being hugged in front of their tough mates.
Disadvantages: There is always the chance Bully might really want to be your friend if you are too convincing. Try Bully Poll (above) to make him hate you again.
Lou Treleaven 