Even fictional characters are falling on hard times at the moment and having to diversify to make ends meet. As a keen reader I want to support them in any way I can so I’ve donated space on my site to advertise their services. I take no responsibility for any misadventures that may occur as a result.
VEG BOX DELIVERIES FROM ‘JACK’S’
Go green to the extreme with a giant veg box from ‘Jack’s Beanstalks’. The Beanstalk Box* contains a variety of delicious green veg including beans, bean stalks, beanstalks, beanstalk leaves, bean pods and beans. With one beanstalk leaf big enough to feed and clothe a family of four you won’t be short on volume!
Special offer with this ad – order 1 box, get 1 free. Order 2 boxes, get 3 free. Order 5 boxes, get 10 free. In fact, take as much as you want.
* Contents not guaranteed free of giant blood.
SLEEPING BEAUTY’S SPA
After a hard day wafting around being helpless and beautiful, why not book into Sleeping Beauty’s Spa for a well earned rest from royal duties? On arrival at our enchanting gothic castle you will be shown to the spinning wheel room where a little prick (or therapist, as we call them) will send you into a sleep so deep you’ll think you’re in a coma.
After a few centuries of rest, our highly trained wakefulness operatives will slash their way through our overgrown nature reserve to wake you with a gentle kiss (more by prior arrangement only).
So relax and sleep your troubles away at Sleeping Beauty’s Spa. You’ll look years younger than your friends – if they are still alive to notice.
If your bridge is regularly crossed by trespassing goats then why not choose nature’s pesticide – a TROLL!
- fits under any bridge
- is easy to maintain – feeds itself
- makes a pleasing* addition to your property – and a real talking point for your guests too!
* Trolls are loud, unhygienic and thick. Returns not accepted.
RUN, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN! YOU’LL GET FIT WITH ME, I’M THE GINGERBREAD MAN!
Work out the sweeter way by hiring me, the Gingerbread Man, as your personal trainer! Fresh out of the oven, I’ll take you on a punishing sprint past a pig, a cow, a horse and finally, for the fitter runners, a fox. Energising snacks are provided along the way courtesy of yours truly. A workout so tough, it’ll leave you in pieces – just like me!
GRANDMOTHER FOR HIRE
If you’d like a sweet old granny but can’t get the real thing, you need to hire a Grandmother Impersonator!
I’m Wolfie, and I’ve been in the granny tribute act business for over 300 years. I can make any occasion special and my costumes have to be seen to be believed – lacy bonnets, frilly nightdresses and half-moon spectacles, all sourced from genuine grandmothers. My vocal technique is spot on and has fooled many granddaughters over the years, often with hilariously edible results!
So whether you want to hire me for a birthday party, a practical joke or just some old fashioned grandmotherly wisdom, call Wolfie for all your geriatic requirements. Sorry, no previous customer comments available. In fact, no previous customers available, unless you care to slice open my stomach.
FIND LOVE WITH CINDERELLA’S DATING AGENCY
Hi girls! Are you unlucky in love? Would you like to be strutting down the aisle with some top royal totty on your arm, like me?
Join my agency and you’ll get
- a ticket to my exclusive summer ball at the Royal Palace
- an introduction to a minor Royal
- unlimited access to the Fairy Godmother Hotline – fashion tips, transport advice and those little touches that will make your date special such as a ride-on-pumpkin and rats
- a pair of tiny shoes
- a TeenyToes (TM) foot squasher
Once on your date, you’ll use my patented ‘shoe shedder’ technique to hook your hunk. It worked for me and it can work for you too!*
Love ‘n’ hugs,
* Maximum shoe size 3 and under, and no uglies. Sorry! xxx
If you are a fictional character and wish to advertise on these pages, please note that it may take up to 300 years for your advert to appear.